There’s something that we, as a society, don’t talk about too often. We know it’s going to happen, and we know that, for the most part, we’re entirely unprepared to get through it.
That’s right, we’re talking about the coming zombie apocalypse.
Even as you read this, the first rotted hands could be gouging their way out of the earth in a cemetery somewhere in Iowa, Des Moines to be exact (we have reasons to believe that this will be the point of origin). By our estimate, calculated precisely on our Breitling Navitimer slide rule, the entire midwest would succumb within a month. The rest of the nation would follow in another 4-6 weeks.
If you’re anything like us, your first thoughts right now are going to your wrist. Or, more accurately, what will be on your wrist when that first shambling undead nightmare comes banging on your windows.
Please believe us when we say that we’d like nothing more than to give you a recommendation for the perfect timepiece to get you through the zombie onslaught, but that would be ridiculous for anybody with any common sense. No single watch recommendation is going to help you survive a hypothetical uprising of the animated deceased.
The problem is that we don’t know what these zombies will be like. Will they be shamblers like the old Romero standards, or will they be the 28 Days Later sprinters? Are they dumb zombies, or do they have some sort of awareness like in Army of the Dead? These are the questions that matter, and unfortunately we simply won’t know until the end is underway.
So what we’ve done is compile a list of our recommendations for each zombie scenario, so you’ll be perfectly equipped no matter what happens. You know the saying, “Never wait until the last second to prepare your wristwatches for a zombie invasion,” and so on.
Without further ado, here are the best watches to keep your brain exactly where it belongs in a zombie apocalypse, organized by zombie type.
For slow zombies, speed isn’t your concern. You’re already faster than they are, so there’s no need to be worried about going full-tilt in an escape attempt.
What you do need to worry about is your escape plan for when you inevitably become surrounded through negligence (trust us, it’s happened in every zombie movie ever made). In that situation, you need something that’s going to help you clear a path to freedom, and we’ve found the perfect watch for the job.
Not only is this Avenger built like a tank (the proprietary Breitlight case material is even tougher than steel), but it’s about the size of one too.
That means two things: it can protect you from a bite, and it can be used as a weapon. Imagine braining a few undead with a swing of your wrist! It would be like a luxury wrecking ball.
On top of that, the stealthy all-black matte aesthetic will help you stay hidden during the inevitable night raids for supplies at your local abandoned grocery stores. Hope you like canned soup!
If it’s fast zombies we’re dealing with, things get a little more complicated. You’re going to want speed, mobility, and a good plan. Trying to outrun them isn’t advised since they’re probably not going to tire out as fast as you do, if they tire out at all. Also, they might simply be a lot faster than we are given that they’re not constrained by what we know of as the laws of biology.
For these fellas, we’re going to want something that is multifunctional while still being light enough to not weigh us down when it’s time to put pedal to the metal. You’re probably already thinking about what we’re going to say next.
There’s no watchmaker that knows speed like TAG does, and that’s going to come in handy in the case of fast zombies.
While any Formula 1 will do the trick, we chose this particular one with the black dial and black racing stripe across the bracelet because it stands out less than a lot of the other variations while still being a beautiful looking watch. Look, we know it’s the zombie apocalypse, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t really love the aesthetic of your luxury watch.
The chronograph functionality is great for timing supply runs and jaunts between shelters so you know exactly how much time you need when pressed in an emergency. The tachymeter is useful for clocking the zombie travel speed, and the lightweight ceramic and steel construction will keep you light on your feet.
Science has yet to provide us with adequate information on zombie intelligence. Some movies, even some made by zombie-lord George Romero, show zombies as being intelligent enough to use guns and other tools. Other scientific material, like the recent Army of the Dead movie, portrays zombies as having a form of sentience that mirrors our own.
Assuming the zombies are dumb as rocks and propelled simply by their desire to consume human brains, that leaves us with a few tricks up our sleeves. Namely, you’re going to want a way to distract them and throw the undead suckers off your trail while you figure out an escape.
That brings us to the De Ville, one of Omega’s classier pieces. The golden bezel and polished-to-perfection interlinking silver and gold tone bracelet is enough to make our mouths water just looking at it. In fact, looking at it now is making us...thoughts fuzzy...can’t focus...ommmeeeeeeegggaaaaaaaa.
Whoops! Sorry about that. Alright, see that beautifully reflective champagne dial with the little glittering diamonds set at the hour markers? That’s your escape plan for the dumb zombies.
Have you ever played with a cat using a laser pointer? You can get them to chase that thing up the walls if you want to. They go nuts for it. And, compared to the dumb zombies, cats are relatively intelligent animals.
So let’s apply that same principle to the undead. Catch a little bit of light on this masterpiece and the reflection will be so strong that you’ll be able to read the time on the wall of the building across the street. More importantly, you’ll be able to use it to guide the dumb zombies away from you, leaving you open for a clean break for shelter.
Dealing with smart zombies is a little more complex. The same logic applies as with the dumb zombies, but the methodology is much different. In short, distraction is still your best option, but you’ll have to go about it in a very different way.
The skeletal dial of this Zenith watch is enough to set the mind spinning. Offering a clear, barely obstructed view of the entirety of the Zenith Caliber Elite 670SK’s automatic movement, it’s hard not to be mesmerized by the sheer beauty and complexity of the watch.
We know this works to distract smart people because it happens to us everywhere we go when we wear our skeletal dial Zenith watches. Being stopped by a Very Smart stranger in the mall when we’re just trying to return our wife’s shoes to the department store so that he can explain to us why he finds the watch so fascinating can be a little bit... annoying.
However, this might be the very thing that saves your life when dealing with smart zombies.
If there’s one thing we know about smart zombies, based on our interactions with smart people, it’s that they really want you to know just how smart they are. The only thing a smart zombie likes more than eating your brain is sharing what’s on his brain via unasked-for exposition, and this is a watch that inspires a lot of exposition.
While the zombie is trying to explain to you the workings of automatic watch movements, you’ll be able to turn heel and book it a quarter of a mile before they even realize you’ve gone.
Fashion zombies are the undead who simply can’t let go of their love for name brand clothing and staying at the bleeding edge of fashion inspired by their favorite pop icons and social media influencers.
While they’re not particularly dangerous in terms of brain-eating, they are very adept at cutting down their victims with meaningful side-eyes and sarcastic comments.
The only way to truly defeat a fashion zombie is to beat them at their own game. For that, there’s only one watchmaker to turn to.
This watch is enough to stop any fashion zombie dead in their tracks. They’ll be frozen still, drooling their green slime all over their grave-dirt smeared UGGs and wondering just who the heck this person is with this mind blowing Gucci Dive on their wrist.
Then they’ll realize that the entire dial of this Gucci watch is stitched to carry the chic red and green color scheme across the watch, as if the sexy fabric strap were continuing through the dial itself. They’ll lose their minds. Literally, probably. We’ve seen it happen.
Next thing you know, you’ll have your own army of fashion zombies building you up with glowing comments on your Insta.
In the case of a zombie apocalypse, you’re going to want to be prepared for the worst case scenario. That is, you’re going to want a backup in case you lose or destroy your front line luxury watch. While we offer full warranties on all of our watches, we can’t promise that we’ll be able to quickly fulfill that warranty in the case of our office being destroyed and overrun by undead pursuing an endless hunger for human brains.
So, we put our heads together and came up with the perfect backup watch that will get you through a bind where you find your wrist unbearably naked of luxury. Or, maybe if you just need to change things up for a day or two.
This Citizen watch does everything the other watches do to some degree. It’s very well-built and durable. It’s got chronograph functionality. It’s shiny and reflective, but features a somewhat complex and very interesting dial. It’s also fashionable as all heck and a real knockout when it comes to looks, which is common among Citizen watches.
One thing this watch has that the others don’t, and the standout feature that makes it the perfect backup, is the ability to recharge via a light-source.
Yes, that’s right. The battery on this Eco-Drive by Citizen Watches will simply never run out of juice. It takes the idea of solar power to the next level by being able to be charged via light sources other than the sun. Should you find yourself holed up in the back of an old roller rink, you could charge it in the display case for the skee-ball prizes if you wanted.
Not only that, but it’s incredibly accurate, so you can always use it to set your other watches in a pinch. We think keeping accurate time is important even during the collapse of society as we know it. You can stop for a rest at 6pm wherever you are and think about how in the old days you’d be watching Columbo on your couch right about now.
While the above represent our picks for the various zombie scenarios one might face during a zombie apocalypse, we by no means consider ourselves experts on the undead.
What’s important is that you understand the theory behind our watch picks. You are absolutely free to apply that theory to make picks of your own. We have an extensive catalogue of in-stock watches that could be great in the case of an undead invasion that ends civilization as we know it.
All that we ask is that you… What’s that? Oh no! There’s a zombie pulling itself into the window right now! Everybody get AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAHHHH IT’S GOT ME OH NO THE ZOMBIE HAS ME AND IS PULLING ME AWAY FROM MY KEYBOARD NOOOOOOOO…